To the Moon and Back

Every evening, every morning... day and night in between, i see people going about their lives, oblivious to my presence. We all wonder around, searching for things that are right in front of us. I can't even recall the last time I saw somebody smile on their own on the subway.

Don't people have fond memories anymore nowadays? What happened to your dreams? What happened to mine? It takes but a gust of wind to carry a scent that rouses the memory. I often find myself smiling. Out of nowhere... Out of nowhere to others, for inside me, something stirred by some distant omen.

What made this world so cold, so careless? Why have our souls darkened? Have we forgotten how to smile? Is there something that keeps us from being happy?

For all the kicks I've been getting these last few months, there is a lot to my life that makes it worth smiling for. I've been waiting for somebody to smile with me...

Savage Garden - To the Moon and Back

I Bruise Easily

It's been a long time... I've been doing a lot of thinking, and came to realize that, in the rush of things, we rarely ever think of people we affect... I rarely think about them... I've thought of all the times I said mean things to people who let me into their hearts, and all the times I've hurt those who didn't deserve it.

Sadly, it's all made worse by the fact that most of my friends are girls. And I know that as time has passed, I've hurt some of them a lot. The words I said, the things i did... Or those I never said or did. They all left their mark. I know it's too late for a lot of them to find this out, care about it, or even read it. But, at least now, I know how sorry I am about all of this.

I could have done so much to make things better, and I probably never realized just how wicked I was. I left a lot of bruises behind, on kind and gentle souls who opened up and let me in. I've come to know how it feels to have this happen to me. And now... all that's left for me to do is apologize, even though nobody will probably care about it now. At least I know, for my own peace, that I did the right thing.

Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily

Perfect Time of Day

I've come to a realisation given the recent flow of events and the fact that I nearly died twice in the last couple of months. I've been spending too much time concerning myself with plans for the next 10, 20, 30 years. Truth of the matter is, I've been setting stuff aside, because I want to have a secure future. But I've just recently thought: if I die today, would I be happy with what I've done? Am I having as much fun as I'd like to?

I'm gonna start doing some stuff people will think are unlike me. Because I've challenged myself with this: "stop caring what others think, start doing what you want". Why? Because my left palm has a really short lifeline drawn on it. I'm not particularly superstitious, but I don't wanna give it the slightest chance. I wanna do all I can, so when that day comes, I'll go with a smile on my face.

There's no way of buying time. You can work your time away for money, but in the end, you're just gonna be in a suit surrounded by wood lying six feet under with all your silver pilfered to the four winds. So what did you waste your life on? I love my work, and that's what kept me going the past two months. But now, I feel that, with a new job and leaving the past 4 years of my life behind, I'm starting anew. I wanna make this life the one I wish for, and the one I know that I deserve.

I don't have time to plan, I don't have time to regret. Not anymore. From now on, the present moment takes precedence to all other cares and worries. Past and future will play the background of a brilliant present. There are many ways of having your plans turned upside down, so why bother?

Howie Day - Perfect Time of Day

Dancing Water

Let's try something different this time...

Jedidja - Dancing Water

Beautiful Day

I used to hate mornings... But today, it's all different. I woke up, got out of bed, washed up, and got ready to go. Had to chase down the subway train... twice. But, as I got out of the tube, I had a moment I'll always remember.

Going up the escalator, fate conspired with my ipod, and shuffled in this track. A smirk came on my face. Sunlight blinded me for a split second, and as I breathed in the air, I just stood there and stared. I stared long and hard at a tree. Yes, at a tree. It was all green,... the kind of green you can rarely see on a plant for more than one day. The leaves were rustling in the wind, mixing their colors, and spreading the smell of lime. It was splendid. No cloud was in sight, just glaring sunlight, and the green of the tree, and the grass under it. As I regained my senses, for I'd lost them for the briefest of moments, mixed up in the instant, I could hear birds singing, and if I tensed hard enough, I thought I could even hear their wings flutter. I just felt like spreading my arms out, and taking all of this in. So what if people stare? They don't know, nor do they care to understand. And I have no time to explain. I just need time to enjoy each moment like this in my own way. It's summer. I've been waiting for this for so long. The end of spring brings new life to nature, and so will it to me.

This summer will be a new begining, the start of a new life. With good, with bad, I'm still living out my dream, and I won't let anybody or anything stand in the way of that. I've made up my mind. Learning to let go was something I should have perhaps done long ago. Now, I just had to. And just about now, it all started actually feeling good. I've been alone for most of my life, and somehow, I know this is for the best. I know it'll all be fine, and just like the lime tree, I'll grow again, and again, and birds will always sing for me, and the sun will always shine inside my heart.

It's a beautiful day... Don't let it get away...

U2 - Beautiful Day

Questions Unanswered

There are so many things I'd like to say to you, and so many questions I have no answer for. I'm so confused... I don't understand why... why us, why now, why so... I can't help thinking there was another way... a better way...

It's hard, oh, so hard to talk to you, to listen to you, to look at you... I miss you. I miss you being like you used to be. It hurts.

I don't know how to act... I don't know what to do, because I've never been through this before. I love you... I don't know what I should do now. I don't know how to love you less. I don't understand.

I want to hold your hand, to hug you, to kiss you, to make love to you, to lay in bed with you as my cover, to tickle you, to touch you, to massage you... But all this is not for me to do anymore. And I thought it would be forever.

Am I allowed to say I miss you? May I still tell you 'I love you'? How often? Am I still allowed to love you? Am I allowed to show you I love you? I can't tell.

What happened? Where did all that was between us go? Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?

I'd do anything to turn back time. I'd do anything to not have been late. I'd give up anything. I'd walk through fire. But it would be for nothing, perhaps.

They told me to wait... that we will make up. They told me it happens. They told me it would all be fine. But I never knew what 'fine' meant before there was you.

For four years, you were my lover, my friend, my mother, my sister... you played all the parts I needed in turn. And now?

You are my world, and I don't know how to live without you. You caught me and tamed me, and now I can't be on my own.

I want to respect your desires and needs. I want to do what you'd like me to. But it's not very clear to me what that means.

It feels I'm lying to myself now more than ever. I don't know what you feel, but I was honest. Every time I meant it when I said I loved you. And I still am. It's hard pretending not to love you. It's hard to hide. It's hard not to cry. And I want to be next to you more than ever.

It hurts to know that you're not well, and I can't help thinking... why are we doing this, if neither of us is better off like this? Is there no other way?

I miss you... I miss you so much...
I love you...

Ducu Berti - M-am Indragostit Numai de Ea

The Story and Soundtrack of Us... The epilogue.

Four years later, it was over. You knew it wasn't like it used to be. It didn't feel like it should. You needed something else. And although it hurt like hell (it was the first time I ever hurt so bad physically), I decided it would be unwise to stand in your way, and risk losing you, my best friend. I'd rather keep the friendship that grew nurtured by our love, than risk even that forcing our time together. 'If you love somebody, set them free.'

You can't measure love. It doesn't have weight or height. It hasn't any density, any constants or laws by witch you could measure it. But you should know that I love you with all my heart. You were the first ever to give me such a feeling, and you'll always have a special place in my heart. "Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean they don't love you with all their being." I know now, that time will come, and time will pass, but it will be forever before I forget you.

William Orbit and Finley Quaye - Dice

The Story and Soundtrack of Us... The prologue.

4 Years ago, on this day, I had no idea how you'd change my life. If you'd have told me then, I would laugh out loud at you. Love was not a word in my vocabulary, and 4 years only meant the distance between 29th of Februaries. On cool June morning waiting in front of the train station, I saw you for the first time. You were not very interesting then... But by the next day, it would all change. We played soccer on the beach, you were our goalie. You blocked a few shots on the goal, so I patted your shoulder and congratulated you. We went into the water, splashed and wrestled. That first evening we played cards, told jokes, and had some high-school fun. The next day... I don't know how we got there, but we fought with pillows, and I gave you a massage... and we kissed.

Activ - Doar cu Tine

Do you remember how it felt when we fell asleep in each others arms? One week got us further than the next 3 months would. Falling asleep next to you, with the smell of seawater, sand and summer, and the gentle breeze caressing our skin. It was pure solace...

Cocktail - Pana-n Zori

And did you know? Did you even fathom what it would become? I think it was love at first sight, actually... Who would have thought we'd turn a summer fling into the plans we had.

David Morales feat. Lea Lorien - How Would You Feel

And your birthday... you turned 17 then. The teddy... 'Smotocel'... I still have the pictures.

Tiesto - Close to You

Later that autumn, laying in my bed, I told you I loved you, and you said it back. It was the first time it ever rang so true to me.

Delerium - Forgotten Worlds

Find (pt. 2 - The People)

So it's been a whole month now since I've started work. During that time, I've gotten to know all the people on my team, and a few others.

What baffled me initially was that the FHWII team is made up of (only) 17 people, with 3 of us being juniors (n00bs). Why would that be astounding? Because we're expected to deliver a full blown A+ title in less than a year. People say we'll be growing quite a bit in the coming months, but, as far as I'm concerned, we're fine right now.

So, we have 1 Producer, 1 Art Director and 1 Environment Artist, Senior and Junior Game Designers (one of each), 2 Level Designers, 1 2D Graphic/Texture, 1 Character/Concept Artist, 1 3D Graphics, and the rest of us, programmers (2 Juniors).

... and we're gonna kill the market come spring. Mark my words.

The people themselves, are however at times far more interesting than the work on the project. On my first day here, I was only briefly introduced to my mentor (the producer), and left to get to know the others on my own. That first week, everybody was busy with some design meetings, but I managed to pull some time off them and talk to a few of them. Across the desk from me, is Andrei, our Art Director/Lead Game Designer. First impression on Andrei was: weird clothes, weird haicut, must be a concept artist or something. But, on that first evening, I got to introduce myself, and shake his hand. I was stunned when he said "Andrei Fantana". If you don't know who that is, you haven't followed romanian gaming for the past 15 years or so; google it.

It was I think 1996. The first time I ever layed my hands on a games magazine. "Game Over" read the title, and it was the first of it's kind I saw written in Romanian. Inside, articles and reviews about the games of the time: Quake, Heretic 2, etc. I still have that issue at home (I actually have 2 crates of games magazines I've collected over time... talking about this with my girlfriend at some point, she said that a girl's reading habits grow with her: seventeen magazine, bravo, popcorn -> elle, cosmopolitan, etc. where as mine remained constant... I said I knew what I wanted in life early on; but men's habits evolve also; ergo, the third crate of magazines in my stash is filled with FHMs; so yeah, it's basically gaming and women lifestyle). I can still recall reading through the articles that formed my first opinions about games and gaming; some of them were signed 'afantana'.

It was like meeting the father you never knew; the person who influenced your whole life in some way or another, without actually being there. Had I never picked up that issue of the magazine, I might not have been here today. And so the story came full circle.

During the past weeks, I got to know people around here better (at least now I know all their names). An have also looked into people working for Ubisoft but on other teams. It's nice to be sharing (at least) the virtual community with people like Jordan Mechner, Yannis Malat, Patrice Desilets or Jade Raymond. It feels brilliant to have the names that have actually changed the industry at just a click away.

And if you can't relate to my story, think about the person that inspired you to go the way you're heading, and imagine how it would feel to work with them, and learn from them every day.

That's what get's me out of bed at 8:30 sharp every morning. And you? What are your expectations from your life?

RidgeWalkers feat. El - Find

Rise Up (pt. 1 - The Place)

It's been a week now, since I've started living my dream... It's been a week of discovery and awe.

To my friends, my dream of being a game developer in a big company should be nothing new. They've made fun of my determination to work at Blizzard ever since I first said it out loud (I was in the 7th grade then). Well, slowly but surely, I'm making my way toward it.

As of last Monday (April 7th) I'm an employee of Ubisoft Bucharest. In a few words, Ubisoft is the 3rd largest video game publisher this side of the ocean (Europe). If you want the detailed figures, look them up. My job title is "Junior C, C++ Game Developer", shorter said, I'm a programmer (more exactly gameplay programmer).

After this glimpse of time I've been here, I can already tell you the truth of the saying "Find something you love to do and you’ll never have to work a day in your life."

I never thought it could be so nice to have an 8 hour working schedule. I never thought I could love waking up at 8 in the morning (as you might already know, I've never been a morning person). And most of all, I'd have never believed I could want to stay in after work hours. And it's not because of any big 'Wow!' discovery, but all the little 'Oh!' moments that make their way into every day I spend here.

First of all this comes from the fact that respectful multi-national companies cherish their employees. A happy employee is a productive employee. As such, they gave their all to have us satisfied (well, there's always room for improvement, we don't have free ice cream, and we don't wear silky PJs and bunny slippers at work, but comparing to other employment opportunities around, I'd say we're pretty privileged... and I think I'll try coming in to work in silky PJs and bunny slippers, just to see if anybody minds).

Our office building is 5 stories high, divided in two major sides, and we share it with 3 other companies (Gameloft, AMA, and Guillemot). It used to be a parking lot, but it's come a long way from there. The automatic doors and card based access past the reception area are just the tip of the iceberg. The location is open 24/7, we have a doorman and receptionists, and there is no other conduit for entering aside the badge (you need it to open doors). We don't have offices... at least not what people usually understand by the term (there are offices for HR, Sales, and Management, but not for Production).

We work in teams (structure is almost strictly hierarchical), each team with it's own share of people for each of the positions required to make a game. And we're bunched up in HUGE rooms. The one I'm currently sitting in is shared by about 5 teams (FHMKT, FH, SH, MNG, ChA - I'll let you speculate on the meanings of those). We each have our own desks, PCs (I'm talking 3GHz q-cores with 2G RAM, LCD screens and other mouth watering bits), and dev units ( big, ugly black boxes with lots of switches and cables and sparkling lights). Oh, and we have these brilliant chairs that tilt, rotate and have wheels (yes, we race around the room sometimes). We have several king-sized LCD TVs, lots of gaming consoles, and stacks of games, right in the office (for research purposes, of course).

Then again, we have a fitness area with instructor and dancing classes, relaxation area with pool tables, table football, consoles and massage, mess hall (we still have to pay for our food though), vending machines for coffee (and various byproducts), snacks and drinks.

The bathrooms are eat-off-the-floor clean, always have soap, paper towels (and blow-driers), and toilet paper. We also have dedicated kitchens on each floor with bar-style tables and chairs, refrigerators, microwaves and sinks, plus cupboards and any and all other equipment needed to eat. It's all inclusive. We even have several couches you could count on if you stayed in so long that public transportation was out.

And, best of all, we have no crap policies. We have admin rights on our computers, we can install any and all applications we want or need (as opposed to not being allowed to use instant messengers or listen to music) - even games. Standard working hours are 9 - 13, 14 - 18, but it's not set in stone. What actually matters is that you have common sense, and don't abuse other's good will. You can come in to work later (some even as late as 14 o'clock), or leave earlier should you need to. You can take a day off, provided you let people know about it in advance. All that matters is, at the end of the month, you have your share of working hours done (8h * n working days that month).

I guess that about sums it up about the place itself. But I am sure there are other details I haven't even discovered yet.

Yves Larock - Rise Up

Hope vol. 2

It's rare that you actually happen to meet people you've only dreamed of meeting. It's a privilege to see somebody who's the stuff of movies. I've had this occasion this last weekend. For 3 days, I had the honor of training under the guidance of Shidoshi Kacem Zoughari. It was simply mind blowing.
I'd been waiting for it for weeks. Looking up every clip, reading every bit of information I could find about him and his training. It's astonishing what years of training can turn you into. Look it up, you'll understand once you see him. And take my word for it: videos are less than half of what he stands for in reality.
"Water takes the color and shape of the vase." That was his quote about technique. "Imagine yourself doing things the way you do now, only you're 60 years old doing them against somebody who's 20. Will it work? If you use strength instead of movement, it won't." And I could go on about things he said that were etched deep into my brain. But I won't, since my blabbering can't possibly be close to the actual experience of training with him. So if you're passionate about martial arts (especially ninjutsu, but I believe what he said would be of use to anybody into the general theme), do yourself a favor and try to go to one of his seminars.
I can only hope that the motivation I have now to train will stay with me for years to come, and maybe someday I'll be close to that level myself (one can dream, can't one?). But, before then, this song will echo in my head serving to remind me of my resolve to improve.

Apocalyptica - Hope vol. 2

You Don't Know Me

Out of the dark of the crowd, she steps towards me. I notice her, but I go on dancing, thinking she won't mind me. She caught my gaze, and is now standing right in front of me, looking me right in the eyes. Before I realize, she's dancing in sync with me, moving up closer and closer. As she starts rubbing and grinding against me, leaning up close, I try to say something, but the words won't come out. She whispers in my ear: "I like your perfume.", and before I get a chance to say anything back, she starts kissing my neck. I know I should say something, but I can't find the words to say anything, and besides, we're now lips together, kissing like we've known each other forever.
The rush is so great... we reach the room, and start to cuddle, and caress, never even once stopping to say anything... to ask anything. It all comes so naturally. Do I know her? Did I meet her before? As the lazy and wet summer clothes fly off of us, we drift further into our own silence. I don't need to say anything, and she doesn't either. We match so well... Our rhythm is the same, no dissonance, no error or fault. We fit together like hand and glove, and although I've just met her, it all feels so right.
Enjoying each other, till the end, we curl up together, and look at the ceiling. What would I say? What would be appropriate?
As I get up and head for the shower, I mean to turn back, look at her, and at least tell her my name... but it would feel so wrong... washing up, I think about what I should say, and a plan forms up in my mind... only to vanish without a trace when I find her standing outside the bathroom, tying up her hair, and glaring up into my eyes. In a faint voice she asks me if I'm done. I nod, and walk past, having forgotten all I was about to say.
I lay on the bed and listen to the sound of the water, knowing it's her, bathing... and it somehow soothes me... I fall asleep...
Waking up to the sun on my face, I yawn, and stretch, and remember the night before... I come to the realization, that it was so close to perfect; I just... I just don't even know her name, and she's already left...

Apparat - You Don't Know Me

Into Dust

Staring long into her eyes, it still amazes me that she's here. We're all alone, and she's sipping on her glass of wine. As she sets it down, I can see the faint trace of her lips on the clear glass edge. It mesmerizes me. I lift my gaze up again, and stare at her lips. The shape matches so well. I shouldn't think that. Of course it matches. Those were her lips on the glass... Her lips... they curl into a smile. And I realize why she smiles. She's noticed... She saw me staring at her lips. I look her in the eyes, and I try to smile.
Oh, God... how silly I must look. I must look so dumb in her eyes right now. The smile fades away from my face, and with it, comes the realization that hers is also gone. I know it must be awkward... but I just can't help staring at her. Her eyes draw me in.
I lean towards her, as if to see her eyes up closer. She is SO beautiful... I close my eyes, and imagine us in a thousand places, always together, holding hands and smiling. I can feel her breath stir the air in front of me as she leans closer across the small table. Before I can question what to do, or get a chance to open my eyes, our lips come together, as butterflies start to rustle inside my stomach. I feel like the world is spinning. I feel like I'm upside down and inside out. My mind tries to cope with the fact that SHE is kissing me.
It's been so long. I've wanted this for what seems to be an eternity. And now it's come true.
As we slowly drift apart, I open my eyes, and look at her as she is still, savoring the moment, with her eyes closed and lips puckered. As she comes to and opens her eyes, her gaze glitters, and she shyly smiles. She reaches out and takes my hand from across the table. I caress her palm, and smile back. She leans towards me, and kisses me again, and again, and as we draw closer together, the wine glasses spill on the table, falling to the floor and breaking, but we are too close together to care, and too far to hear...